LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

Ok I am certain I am in a verbally abusive relationship, He gets extremely hostile at times.?

My question is, how often does an abuser like this turn physical. We have been together almost 5 years and are now living together, He has never gotten physical but since we have moved in together his verbal attacks have increased exponentially. All advice appreciated and needed asap.

He is apparently already socialized to abusiveness, so he will start becoming physical when what he is already doing stops working like he wants it to work, and if he knows he can get away with it.

The three reasons men abuse women:

1. It works.

In a short-term, get what you want immediately situation, hitting someone works. Contrary to what some people may believe, domestic violence is rarely about anger. People may blame it on an “anger management” problem. But the same people who supposedly cannot manage their anger when it comes to their spouse manage perfectly well when it comes to their parents, the neighbor, the grocery clerk, or the police officer who comes to the door. Domestic violence is about using violence to gain (and maintain) control. Often the batterer views the victim as a possession to be guarded and controlled — they monitor phone calls and email, reduce contact with family and friends, and if their possession gets out of line, they smack it back in place.

One woman told a particularly telling story. It was Thanksgiving time, and she and her husband (newly married) were preparing dinner. Their families were on the way over to celebrate with them. During the preparations, they got into an argument and he punched her in the face, breaking her jaw in three place. Needless to say, Thanksgiving dinner did not happen and she spent that day in the hospital. For the next ten years, her husband didn’t have to hit her again. He could control her with two simple words: Remember Thanksgiving.

Men hit women because it works. They get the control that they want and they get their way.

2. They can get away with it.

Up until as recently as ten years ago, domestic violence was a ‘personal problem,’ not really treated as a crime. Sure the police might come out, but usually they either made one of the people leave the residence or made vague references to how the two parties needed to learn to handle their business and they “better not have to come back again.”

While things have improved considerably, there are a large number of people who still believe that Domestic Violence is one of those things in which they shouldn’t get involved. There are a distinct lack of witnesses when it comes to Domestic Violence crime. Would you speak as a witness if you saw saw a man wielding a knife against a woman he did not know? Would you speak up if you saw a hit and run? Most people would. But those same people will not speak up or come forward when the crime is domestic violence. Hitting your spouse is more acceptable than hitting a stranger.

The same thing is true when it comes to the workplace. If a man calls too often (and rest assured, this is calculated — if your possession is working that means that there’s a large part of the day where she is out of your control), or comes by and causes trouble, rather than asking what might be going on in the relationship, your coworkers and boss are generally going to roll their eyes and ask the victim to correct the problem. The same thing if she takes sick days because of his behavior. And if she doesn’t correct the problem? She gets fired.

By refusing to hold men accountable for their actions, we are giving them tacit permission to go on with the abuse. It’s okay to hit your wife. Nobody will say anything. The police won’t help you. Your family won’t help you. Your boss won’t help you. You’re on your own.

3. Socialization

Despite the many years of women’s liberation, the predominant view in society is still that men are supposed to be in charge. True, it may not be spoken directly, but it doesn’t have to be.

Examine the major consequences to the male ego if he is perceived by other men as not wearing the pants in his relationship. We have invented any number of ugly words to describe such a condition — p*ssy-whipped, ball-less, spineless, boytoy. They all add up to one thing. The man who is not in control may as well be impotent. That is how he will be viewed by his peers.

Yes, this is a generalization. Yes, changes have been made. But when you look at the most telling part of our society, entertainment, it is easy to see that we still think that men should be strong and that violence is sexy.

Patricia Evans: The Verbally Abusive Relationship:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men $9.08 “He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.” “He can be sweet and gentle.” “He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he’s a great father.” “He’s had a really hard life…” Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselo…

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond $7.55 Are you now, or have you ever been, in relationships with family, friends, or mates who have been verbally abusive? Is your happiness with someone you love continually threatened by interactions that continually undermine your self-esteem? Do you feel trapped in a relationship that keeps decaying in a downward spiral of overt or passive-aggressive abuse? If so, this book could be your …

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself $8.01 If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past….

The Verbally Abusive Relationship $12.76 The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Verbally Abusive Relationship $19.16 If you or someone you know answers ?yes? to one or more of the following questions, this book is required reading: Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week? Does he deny being angry when he clearly is? Do your attempts to d

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond $10.26 No Synopsis Available